Because the modern culture has studiously and deliberately rid itself of its ability to differentiate between sin and sinner or, more importantly, sinner and their work, Death on the Nile got unfairly, unjustly and tragically shelved for a quite a while. A shame, because I was really looking forward to it. Then again, much like Nightmare Alley which I was also once upon a time really looking forward to, it ended up somewhat disappointing.
But at least, Nightmare Alley didn’t have a scandal attached to it. Death on the Nile did and it was a stupid one at that. Boohoo, Armie the giant Hammer that he is sent out some questionable DMs. Boohoo, turns out he wasn’t the mild-mannered family man he might have looked like on the surface. So, fetish-shame him into hiding and destroy his career? Really? I mean, sure, maybe his situation is more nuanced than that, but also who the F cares? And why do those people care that much? Just look at the guy; he’s 6’5”, drop dead gorgeous and can actually act. What else is he meant to be doing with his life? That guy belongs on screen. So what if he doesn’t meet your narrow morality clauses? Don’t hang out with him, don’t date him, I don’t know, don’t invite him to your birthday party. The sheer gall of not only canceling him entirely as an actor, but also attempting to cancel the projects he and MANY other people have worked on is appalling. And yet, these be the times we live in, so yeah… But hey, the movie made it off the shelves and onto the screens at last, so let’s talk about it. Branagh is back as the famous detective dreamt into existence by the incomparable Agatha Christie and embellished for modern age by Michael Green. Some might say, “Why mess with perfection?” but people can’t help messing with perfection, so there it is. First, Hercule solve the crime on the Orient Express, now he’s going to do it on a luxury boat in Egypt. Because he can, he’s Hercule. And because apparently Branagh and Green find him underdeveloped as a character, they decided to dedicate some screen time to exploring his inner chambers by giving him LURV. The opening de-aged scene set during WWI wasn’t enough, there’s also a romantic undercurrent throughout the movie itself between Hercule and a blues singer. Whether you’ll find it necessary or extraneous is entire up to your discretion. But first and foremost, this is a crime novel. The crime is MURDER. The victim is criminally good-looking and wealthy. The motive…oh well, there are so many. So many petty jealousies and rivalries and complex emotions. Don’t worry, Hercule will sort it out. And his mustache will look good doing it. The movie is as gorgeous as the setting implies. And almost nowhere near as dusty. The cinematography is positively lush. And then it kind of goes overboard…no boat pun intended. It just kind of looks like the entire production took a beating…with a gaudy stick. There’s lavish and then there’s overdone and this movie continuously veers into the latter territory. The cheese, people, the cheese is oozing through the seams. From the very beginning, set in a dance club, there’s just so much going on. There’s very stylized very choreographed dancing and so much of it is positively indecent. You got Armie dirty dancing with his fiancé and then dirtier dancing with Gal Gadot, because a. why wouldn’t you and b. not many men out there in La-La-Land who can wield an Amazonian like that. And from there on, there’s just something cheesily soap-operaish about the proceedings. It’s in the faces, in the reactions, it’s there. But anyway, it’s still fun, lots of bright, loud, festive fun. And you should still absolutely watch it, but it’s not quite up to par…not Branagh’s best nor quite Christie’s best. Please do not continue if you haven’t seen the movie yet. Ok? Ok. So, can we talk about the crime? WTF would you commit a crime where you’re likely to me the prime suspect? In fact, WTF would you make yourself into such a likely prime suspect? WTF would you commit a crime in a locked room/boat style situation with a very limited number of suspects? Why would you do in on a boat with a world-famous detective on it? Did you really think yourself so clever as to get away with it based on a clever trick alibis? Why wouldn’t you go out of your way to cast shade on others? How’d you think it was all going to play out? And above all, why would anyone, ANYONE, throw Gal Gadot over for the crazy eyes whoever played the other love interest? Seriously? Also, Hercule, what a weak, purely supposition-based solution with almost zero evidence to present to people? I mean, seriously, because the color faded to pink and not brown so it isn’t blood? I mean, at this point the entire thing more or less purely depends on the suspects giving themselves over. Which they, like idiots, do. Seriously. And that leaves Hercule to go back to London, shave off his famous mustachio and try to woo the blues singer lady with his facial scars? Yes, seriously. WTF is that? Hercule without a mustache is like Sherlock without a pipe or Clark Kent without glasses…it just doesn’t work. It’s unseemly. Please, get the mustache back. Anyway, the movie still made loads of money, so surely there’ll be another Hercule adventure. One can hope it’ll improve upon this one. But either way, it’ll still be fun.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
December 2023
Categories |