Firestarter (2022) movie - Extinguished remake

​I must confess I haven’t read the novel or seen the original. I know, I know, but still…in a way that gives me a unique perspective to review this movie purely on its own merit.
And so, purely on its own merit, this movie is a failure. Outside of the effort it takes to buy Zac Efron as a father (Efron has so many muscles, but they just don’t seem to stretch that way), outside of the try-oh-so-hard 80s pastiche including the cheesy dual-tone of John carpenter theme and stylized credits, outside of the choppy incomplete seeming plot…it’s just missing something.
It’s missing a lot.
It’s missing the mark.
The eponymous child character is great. And yes, she does start fires, lots of them. She has plenty of other powers too. Her parents were experiment subjects whose abilities were induced, but she was born that way.
Young girls with superpowers are an awesome premise, Just look how much mileage Stranger Things got out of it.
But this vehicle doesn’t go too far. Doesn’t have much of an oomph.
The movie is bland, bland, bland, from dialogue to action. Not a single inspired thing about it. Watches slow too, like put-me-to-sleep-several-times slow. And that’s considering its compact length, too.
Blumhouse usually offers more. More fun, more eerie thrills, They do things on tight budgets but tend to be clever about it, doing more with less. This one apparently didn’t get the memo.
Disappointing me. Disappointing the box office.
Remakes seem to be obligatory in this day and age. Technically, Firestarter waited longer than most, almost 40 years. And well, the wait proved unworthy of the result. Not that anyone was even waiting, were they? Wasn’t the original perfectly good? Plus, there’s always the book. You know, if you’re so inclined.
But either way, this damp match of a movie will not be starting any fires.