Til Death Do Us Part (movie 2023) Wed or dead, it's all regret

Til Death Do Us Part is a terrible movie. Worse yet, it doesn’t seem to be aware of it at all. It just goes on and on (for much too long) for no apparent reason.
And the thing is, it didn’t have to be terrible. It has something of a decent plot, buried there underneath all the garbage. You got your basic “assassins on love” scenario. They belong to some mysterious assassin academy, referred to as the :University” where pupils graduate to become teachers. These two are teachers, the best of the best. They even get the University’s okay to get married. But then what’s love and vows to these murderous lunatics.
So, in unnecessarily and clumsily handled alternating timelines, you get the happy couple and … the not so happy couple.
In one timeline, they are honeymooning all over each other, while meeting another, older couple (yes, that is where Jason Patrick is at now, and to think he was in proper movies once upon a time).
In the other, the bride has fled the coup, and the groom sends his seven groomsmen to bring her back. The groomsmen are a bunch of all strategically diversely cast nobodies and fairly useless as assassins. They are led by the former pretty boy actor, Cam Gigandet, and Orlando Jones is in there too. Both are probably bemoaning the loss of their careers.
The lead couple are proper nobodies, so much so that they don’t even get the top billing. They spend entirely too much time dancing, because the actress playing the bride comes from a dance background. She can also fight. Which is good, because she can’t act much. The groom just mostly stands there looking handsome (he’s just okay, really) and slowly speaks of love.
Cam Gigandet eschews scenery with his own attempts at dancing. There are low-rent crooner style tunes all over the soundtrack. But none of these men, dancing or not, can really damage the indestructible bride, though they do their best to (very graphically) beat the crap out of her.
If done right, this might have been funny. It isn’t. Everyone takes themselves entirely too seriously. The writing is wooden—in fact, you can chop wood with the bride’s harsh features. The writing is worse. The pacing is atrocious, especially for an action movie. Even the fights are paced terribly.
The cinematography is tolerable, but it can only do so much on its own.
Like a bad marriage, this movie has no reason to be. I still can’t explain watching the entire thing until the end. It was a sort of incredulous trance. But a complete waste of time. Maybe my review will help you save yours.
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And remember, there already exists a perfectly awesome movie with bride and a bunch of murders, Ready Or Not from 2019. It does everything right, everything this movie fails to.

So, yeah, baby. Divorce!